Relapse is a Part of Recovery. NOT.

THE ENIGMA MACHINE AT BLETCHLEY PARK IN BUCKINGHAMSHIRE STOLEN FROM THE GERMANS DURING WWII. PHOTO IAN JONES
THE ENIGMA MACHINE AT BLETCHLEY PARK IN BUCKINGHAMSHIRE STOLEN FROM THE GERMANS DURING WWII.
PHOTO IAN JONES

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma.”

Today’s prompt was to write something about ourselves that no one else knows. Many know that I have a child and step child both who suffer from addiction. What you don’t know is the inner turmoil and tenacity I experience all at once on any given day as a result of these two lovely souls. My heart aches every time one of them acts out in a way that tells me they are getting high or drunk again; the guilt over comes my being in such a way that I could turn to substance abuse very easily myself (wouldn’t be hard considering all the meds I have to take for daily pain from arthritis and fibromyalgia). But I don’t turn to the meds for help; I pray, and pray, and pray some more. I used to talk about it; but soon got the feeling that burdening others with my problems was getting me nowhere and making my friends and loved ones miserable.  So, I joined Al-anon and started the road to recovery for myself. Things were not perfect, but I was learning to deal with the state of my life in a positive way. Then my daughter made me so proud I could burst!

One month ago yesterday we brought her home from an intense 30 day rehab; this time she stuck it out and we just knew she was on the road back to being the daughter we knew before Heroine. She was interested in getting back to nursing school, getting a job, and getting her kids back. I worried that she was taking too much on too quickly but she assured me that the busier she was the better. Then she let a guy, a ‘wonderful-guy-who-cares-about-me-more-than-anything-Mom!’ stay with her; why care that she met him in re-hab? He seemed upstanding and smart, he was sober and really did seem to care about staying sober. They went to meetings together, even helped out at an AA/NA convention. Then I saw the changes-oh, I recognized them immediately. She quit wearing makeup, started sleeping in, didn’t care to spend time with her kids or with me, and finally the falling asleep. I mean, how does anyone fall asleep while standing in line at the grocery store? Oh, she tells me she is not using, but yes this guy is and she needs him out of her house because he keeps her up all night talking. I agree-he needs to leave. He admitted to me yesterday he had relapsed; and the girl shushed him before he had a chance to tell me that she was using too. He didn’t have to tell me, I know. I caught myself saying those tired old words ‘relapse is a part of recovery’. Bull shit.denial

What you don’t know about me is that I live the life as the mother of two addicts; the daughter is addicted to Heroin and the son an Alcoholic. I have run the gamut-been to meetings, talked to counselors, and read everything within reach about addiction. My conclusion? RECOVERY IS RECOVERY; RELAPSE IS NOT PART OF IT. Saying this trite little comment “that’s ok, relapse is a part of recovery’ simply allows the addict to feel better about slips-but that is it; there is a big difference between a slip and a relapse. A slip makes a true, committed addict say ‘oh, shit, that was stupid’ then call a sponsor and attend a meeting, or do whatever it takes to safe-guard their sobriety. A relapse is going right back to their comfort zone, using drugs to numb whatever feeling they are trying to escape from. A relapse tells me that the person has not taken the new problem solving tools they have been taught to heart. Don’t tell me this is too hard, that I am being cruel and closed minded. What you don’t know about me? You don’t know that I have faced this reality square and taken the bull by the horns; I have embraced my heartache and worry and owned it. I cry every day because I do not get to see my grandbabies; I worry with every siren or story on the news that my child(ren) has been arrested, found comatose in a ditch or worse, found dead. I have every right to expect my kids to embrace their sobriety and guard it like a newborn baby, and I have every right to my anger when they treat that sobriety like a fad-something they can play with for a day or two and put away when it suits them. What you don’t know about me? I smile on the outside, I counsel others, I carry on moment to moment, and I fake it brilliantly. What you don’t know about me is that I die a little inside each time I see an addict because I know what that addiction does, how it is a cancer that infiltrates the victim and makes victims out of everyone else involved; especially the mother. Especially me.

Relapse not Recovery

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14 thoughts on “Relapse is a Part of Recovery. NOT.

  1. Thank you for sharing your experiences with addiction. I have only just recently been introduced to the other side of my addiction. The pain I caused my parents. I used drugs for the better part of 39 years. I never once stopped to think about what my addiction was doing to them. I was too caught up in the grips and could only think about getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. I have relapsed several times and although they say relapse is not a requirement unfortunately it is a reality. You are dead on when you say that relapse is the absence of recovery because if I was taking my recovery seriously I would have protected it the way I protected my drugs when I was using. For me the lack of making meetings and putting other things before my recovery turned out to be more detrimental than I realized. Once I went back It was so hard for me to come back. I admire your strength and appreciate you taking the time to share your story and to get involved with the fellowship to learn about the disease of addiction. I am sorry that you have to experience the horrors of addiction through your children and I will pray that they find the courage it takes to get and stay clean. Peace and Blessings to you and your family.

    • Eric, every post from learned souls such as yourself help me more than you could ever know. You give me hope; hope they my prayers will be answered and that the struggle will be short lived. Knowing that you have been through the fires of hell and survived show me that recovery is more than just a dream-it is a reality. Thank you for the prayers; there is a special place in mine for you as well. 😇

      • I am grateful that I am able to share my experiences and offer hope. I will continue to do whatever I can and please feel free to contact me if you ever need to. I appreciate your support and encouragement and only hope that I can continue to do the same. Have a blessed evening.

    • Thank you much; I appreciate your kind words and hold them dear. It is a challenge to be sure but I am learning to take it day by day and I am grateful for every kindness such as yours😇

      • Hm, reminds me of that old saying-courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to act in spite of it 😁

      • We just don’t know and realize the challenges that so many people go through every single day and no one knows about it. Blogging out your challenges and feelings I find is actually helpful and letting your voice remind other people there is a way to get through these hardships.

      • Before I started writing my blog I thought I was going to explode. Finding ones VOICE is such a seminal moment in ones life and as they say THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE

    • Oh my goodness Louise! I have been so pre-occupied with other things that I did not notice this until today I feel so humbled by your nomination. Thank you/1

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